Dating Mutations

Just thought that this should go on the dating blog. Something is wrong here....

Til further notice

Sorry everyone. My dating life has been pretty, dare I say... Normal the last few months. It's crazy and astonishing I know. So until further notice I have no real doozies for any posts.
Unless of course someone has any they would like to share.

This is what I'm talking about

Finally! A story written by someone other than me....This one is great. I love it!

So my sister called me a few days ago and she said, "Alicia, why don't you just marry ____?" After listing the reasons why that wouldn't be such a great idea she says "Well, you just need to get married so you can have babies." OK so I know that most of you single people out there have heard this from some well meaning family member or friend. Also Cate just had a baby 4 months ago and now that the memory of the pain has subsided she wants me to have this life changing experience. For most people the issue would be resolved right there. Well, Cate doesn't give up that easily apparently. She called me a few nights later and she said, "I found your husband." I guess she was looking around on Facebook and she found a guy that I had been in Sunday school class with from ages 12-18. She decided to email him and here is how she decided to go about arranging our marriage…

Cate- I need a favor...It is really no big deal at all...you don't need to move a couch or anything if you are not really dating anyone right now could you please marry my sister...she is nice and she will learn to cook in time.
Think it over...no big whoop.
I will wash your car for you as a pay back...
Later,
Cate

J--- Well, let me get this straight...you'll wash my car, but will you vacuum out the inside too? That gets really dirty.
J---
PS...which sister are we talking about?

Cate- listen...i will shampoo...vacuum and polish the leather interior which I am sure you have since you are a baller. Hook it up bro,
Cate
PS...Alicia is the foxy lady I am refering to. Enjoy

This would probably mortify some of you out there but I am over it and you just need to know my sister. The thing is that this story continues. No joke, 45 minutes later I get a call from my good friend Marla. She says, "Alicia I found your husband." I asked her if she has been talking to Cate. She said "No, why?" She goes on to tell me why this other guy is perfect for me.

If only it was that easy! Well I guess I just need to be grateful that I have people looking out for me, and a sister that is such a crack-up! I hope that you are all as lucky as I am. ;)

The Golden Prayer

Sorry folks you get another one from the vault. I wish I could get some of your funny stories because I know that would up my pool of funny dating experiences/ funny things people say to you to help you in your dating life, but until that happens, I will continue to draw upon my own experiences that are diminishing as I use more and more of them. But here is a good one. Once when I was in college I had a roommate who made a goal to get married. She was very ambitious in her goal and at the end of April made her goal for August. Not just to get meet a guy but to meet a guy and get married in less that for months! Well I was a little skeptical about her goal but it made her happy and she went home for the summer with something to work towards. Well I think it was about the end of June or the beginning of July when she still hadn't found anyone, and then out of the blue when it seemed all was lost, she met him. The man of her dreams and they were engaged after like one date and one week of knowing each other. (I might be exaggerating a little but she really did pull off the August wedding). Of course this made her the expert on dating and if you just set a goal and pray about it, it will happen. We talked on the phone several times that summer and soon she was telling us how wonderfully her plan had worked and that we really should try it. One day, however, she offered me a remarkable service, a offering I will never forget, she said SHE would start to pray for me. Wow! Thanks! I thought, if you pray for me I might finally get married. You have the GOLDEN prayers, the ones that get answered whereas mine are just the mediocre, not really heard or answered kind, the ones that just get laughed at and thrown aside. I told her of course she could pray for me, (especially if she was going to use her magic prayers) Well now nearly seven years later I still have the traditional goal that THIS August will be the one and that golden prayer will finally be answered. I really did appreciate her concern and care for me I just really have enjoyed calling her prayer golden. We all want the one with golden prayers to pray for us right. I just should have been specific in telling her which years August....

The Handsome Nephite

So I promised this a few weeks ago and finally it's time to share the inspiring story of one of the three Nephites who saved the day during that awful, awful non-date. It's kind of a second half of the to-be-continued....

Picture me there country dancing with Bob the Butt, that crisp September night two years ago. All the dreams I had been creating of the two of us falling in love and living happily ever after, dashed after finding out he was a complete knob. Well about 30 minutes before midnight, I went into the bathroom to get away from everything and regroup. I thought to myself, "I can't be here anymore, I need a miracle so I don't have to watch this dork and his failed attempts to flirt with these other girls. I need an out and I need it NOW."

That's when I saw him. I never would have believed it if it hadn't happened to me but there he was, the miracle I was praying for. He came up to me and asked me to dance. We danced not one song but four together, and then talked for several dances as well. He was tall and nice, very good looking, fun to talk to a great dancer and smelled really good on top of it all. I swear he was an angel sent there to help me in my time of need. I mean really he had to be, no normal guy would fit that description. The even crazier thing was that he just appeared out of nowhere. I know he hadn't been there before during the night and I never saw him after we danced and talked together. He was there for me. He didn't talk to or dance with any other girls. He was my saviour from the This-is-not-a-date-monster and I am super grateful he came to save me and to give me an amazing experience. Who needs the non-dater when I have my own angel.

This is NOT a date

So here is my question. Why are people so worried about something being called a date? I had a roommate who unless she really liked the guy she was going out with she would call it an outing. Are we afraid that if we call an outing a date that we will be actually showing that we are interested in someone???? Heaven forbid that we should actually want to show someone that we enjoy their company and want to get to know them better. Or even if we aren't interested why isn't it a date? I just don't understand...

As you can tell I have strong feelings about this. One summer I had two incidences where I wanted to pop the guy in the nose because he made sure I knew something wasn't a date. DUH!!! The first incident was mostly just a introduction to the cruel world where things appear to be dates when the person you are with snatches that dream away from you and tells you are a fool for thinking such a thing could actually happen. It's a cruel cruel world out there.

The second incident was one that has become a classic in my life to demonstrate how people can be complete idiots. A few years ago I had a crush on a guy, we'll call him Bob. Bob seemed like a really cool, good guy. Over the summer we had gotten to know each other and found ourselves seeing each other frequently and even talking on the phone occasionally. Well by September I was feeling like it was high time that Bob should ask me out. I just wanted to go out with him on a real date to see if there truly was an interest there. One day we were talking on the phone and it came up that he was going country dancing with his roommate that evening (well not "with" his roommate but with his roommate). He said they were going to try and see if they could get a few other people to go with them. I told him I would really like to join them because I really enjoy country dancing. Well the hour came in which we were supposed to leave to drive down. He showed up at my house and told me that his roommate had backed out on him and no one else was able to go, so it was just the two of us. Perfect, I thought. This was a great time to have Bob all to myself and actually get to know him. The ride down was pretty fun and we talked quite a bit. It was just casual and I was gaining more insight into him. I was actually beginning to see that maybe he wasn't the best match for me and that I shouldn't waste my time on him anymore. but we were about to spend a long evening together.

Well then we went into the dance and well let's just say that the rest of the night I was envisioning how I could trip him, kick him, and pinch him and make it all look like an accident. I ended up being his wing man. Hint: Guys..... girls don't like to be the wing men, especially when they have been crushing on you, so don't be a complete dufus and treat them like they are a girl worthy of your attention even if you aren't interested....

We danced a few songs together but most of the evening I watched as he flirted and asked other girls to dance. By then I didn't care that it wasn't me because I could see that he was a complete moron and I didn't want that anyway. Well then I had an experience in which I swear one of the 3 Nephites came to my rescue. It is a really sweet story and I'll have to write about that some other time but for now we are focusing on non-dates. Anyway as Bob the slob and I were leaving after staying there until the darn place had closed, he asked who the guy I had danced with was. Of course this was the miraculous story of the Nephite but I wasn't going to say anything about this to him so I said well I'm just glad he showed up because Bob wasn't paying any attention to me. That's when the infamous declaration came from him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, this was NOT a date", yeah, thanks Einstein. I figured that out a long time ago I thought but I really said, "Yeah, I know and if it had been one it would have been a really bad one." HA, in your face sucker! That little jibe was my virtual kick, and it felt good. He was taken aback when I said that and felt all insulted by my saying it but it felt good to get it out there. "Well" I said, "It's true, I wouldn't want to be on a date with someone who is out there hitting on other girls." I guess he took that for what it was worth and the rest of the ride home was pretty painful for both of us.

Why couldn't he just have been normal and cool about things? Whoa, whoa whoa this is NOT a date.... thank you so much for making me feel like a complete loser. I have since decided that he is gay and that he probably did want to go "with" his roommate instead of me. This has helped my self worth go up again, knowing it wasn't me it was him..... Dork!

No... No... I like GUYS.. really

Last year I went to visit my parents in Oregon where I grew up. While I was there I came upon an old journal I had kept for a school class in 3rd or 4th grade. I got a good laugh reading through it and found one entry particularly funny. I talked about the drama of being in grade school. The biggest drama for me was that I liked to play sports and I always wanted to play with the guys. I must have been upset about them not letting me play on the good team or something because I was venting about how mad they made me and I had written, "I hate boys, they are so stupid." This seemed particularly funny because, well at times I still think the same thing. "Boys are so stupid, why don't they just get their act together and marry me already?" Anyway once I found this journal entry that I found so funny and fitting, I read it to my sister and my parents. They had fun razzing me about the fact that maybe if I liked guys it would be easier for me to find a date and get married. "Ha ha, very funny" but since they are my family I didn't really care and I knew they were just teasing. After all I did volunteer the information to them. I think we all just found it amusing that 20 years later nothing had really changed.

Well, that afternoon my sister, mom and I went to Albertson's where I had worked as a high school student for a few years. Pretty much everyone I worked with has moved on and stopped working there and found something better to do with their life. However, there is one lady who will probably work there until the day she dies. Every time my mom goes through her checkout line she asks about me and wants to know how I'm doing. So we saw LeeAnn and decided to go through her checkout line and talk to her for a sec. She was really excited to see me because my visits home are pretty rare and my visits to Albertson's are even rarer. (I like that word, rarer... it just is fun to say) anyway... she asked me all about what I'm doing and then she asks the question that I would much rather avoid but that always comes up. "So are you dating anyone special?" Of course she is going to ask me that. I'm not even considered normal in the non-Mormon world still not being married at 29. So I have to tell her no, I'm not dating anyone special and that I'm one of those weird Mormon Nuns by default. I would like to be married but well, I guess it's just the negative energy I put off. LOL. Anyway of course I didn't say any of that stuff because that would make me a freak so I just smile and say no, there's no one.

Then to my horror.... my mom pipes in and says "we just found out the problem, SHE DOESN'T LIKE GUYS." It felt like she was saying it in slow motion and that I was on the sidelines trying to stop her from making a really stupid move but there was nothing I could do and it was too late. She had said it and there was no going back. OK mind you this is in Oregon where there are a lot of people who take a different route in who they choose to date if you know what I mean. So when she said that referring to my journal entry thinking it's just cute and funny that I used to hate guys, it came out as if she was helping me come out of the closet or something. Both my sister and I who understood what that must sound like gave my mom the most horrified look and then I looked at LeeAnn and said frantically "No, no, I like guys really, it's not like that. See there was a journal I wrote in when I was 9 or 10 where I said I hated guys because they were mean to me, that's what she was implying, I like guys, really, I like GUYS." But by then it was too late and there was no turning back. I think LeeAnn was astute enough to know that my mom was just out of it and didn't know what she was implying so I think I'm safe as far as people in my hometown thinking I'm gay but HELLO!!!!, of all the things to say and all the ways it could sound.... My mom just didn't get it.

Needless to say, as we walked out of the store I told my mom that I didn't appreciate what had just transpired and that it's fine to joke around and tease about that stuff at home where we know the situation and context but that was not cool to say it to someone who probably thinks I'm a weirdo anyway because of the Mormon Nun thing.

I just remembered

When I was at the ripe old age of 24, I had a friend at work who had recently gotten married. One day we were talking and he said, "I just don't understand it, you are funny, smart, cool and well... pretty enough, (I don't think he said it like that it was some what in that tone though) you shouldn't have a problem getting married. " Then he said, "Well you are always welcome to be my ministering angel in Heaven." To this day I still think that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. If you never get married I'll take you, I think he must have cursed me. Oh well I guess I always have that to fall back on..... What a goal!

You Go Girl!

Who knew a dating blog would led to so many fantastic stories about dating. I was hoping to get stories and insights from other people but I just keep getting more fun stories for myself. So I had a date on Friday and had to miss a wedding reception for a friend that night because of it. I debated making my date go to the reception with me for a minute, but then I thought better of it because taking someone to a social function such as a wedding reception sends a signal to the world that you are more than "just friends" even if that's what you tell everyone. So I opted out and skipped the reception. I didn't think I would be missed but apparently my former bishop was there and asked about me. My roommates told him that I was on a date and I guess he thought that was the most amazing, astounding, earth shattering news of the century. He was so excited for me having a date you would think that I had won the lottery, gotten engaged and been crowned Miss America as well. He proceeded to ask my roommates all the gory details and they told him all they knew. When they got home that night they informed me that he was really interested to learn all about me and this new guy. Well I had no idea that the next morning I would receive a phone call from this bishop calling to congratulate me on having a date the night before. Seriously who gets calls from their previous bishop congratulating them on a date? Oh and the best part about the conversation was at the end he said, "You go girl" I was dying I thought it was so funny, I guess that's what happens when you do something completely out of the ordinary and unexpected.

This is just the beginning

BACKGROUND: I am single. I always have been. I HOPE I won't always be. I like guys. I like them a lot. I would love to date more and meet guys who will fall all over me and pamper me with lavish gifts, and love me forever and ever. I'm working really hard on this right now. I'm studying and experimenting. I don't know what happened but I figure there must be some sort of dating secret that some how I missed. Some how I missed the dating train and if you can't even get on the dating train how are you ever going to get on the marriage train. Well finally understanding this new concept I have been trying ultra, super duper hard to learn the secret entrance to the dating train. I've snuck on a few more times this year. So I'm starting to feel happy about this accomplishment. But there must be more......

THEN: I heard of a revolutionary program called a DATING COACH. I figured this must be a way to learn more about the train. So I volunteered to take part in this new program. All summer I've been looking forward to this miracle worker practising magic on me. "Oh please Mr./Miss/Mrs dating coach tell me the secrets. Tell me why I can never quite make it to that special train called the Dating Train which will eventually take me to the transfer where I can board the fantastical Marriage Train" Supposedly this dating coach can take this ugly duckling














and turn them into












Well like I said after anxiously anticipating the arrival of the dating coach to take me to the dating train I received some bad news.


MY IDEA: By signing up for the free dating coach I would be a guinea pig and smooth out the bumps along the way. I would offer feedback and in return meet the man of my dreams, date him, fall in love with him and marry him, and he would do the same, all thanks to the amazing dating coach. My life would be perfect and I would then also be pretty close to perfect. Sounded pretty good to me. That's even a value of almost $1000.

THE REAL PLAN: Today I received an email stating the real plan. I still would get to have my very own dating coach, someone to tell me exactly how messed up I really am. Someone to baby step me up to a guy and tell me all the things that I should do and say to him. Well the catch to this wonderful program is that I would have to agree to go on such television programs as: Inside Edition, Studio 5, The Today Show, Good Morning America Now, and/or The Tyra Banks show. That is so my dream - to go on national television and tell them that I'm a freak and a pathetic excuse for a human being. Well maybe not that far but still. Why in the world would I EVER want to go advertising to the world that I'm a bad dater. SO: At the risk of never finding the grand entrance to the dating train I'm going to forgo the opportunity to show my face on tv and admitting that I'm hopelessly dateless. Oh and that's another good point the segment on one of the programs would be called "Dateless to Dazzling" So for now I guess I'll just have to recognize that I'll have to find the Dazzling train by myself, no dating coach for me.

Have you ever....

K, I've been thinking, all you singles out there, does it ever feel like there is an unfair advantage for the people who wear a wedding ring? So here's my train of thought. If a person has a wedding ring on their finger the thoughts that usually go through ones mind are things such as; "Dang I can't look already taken, look at that rock....lucky duck, or wow how did that person pull that one off. At any rate that's usually as far as your thoughts take you. On the other hand when you see that someone is single and without a wedding ring there is an instant - how shall we say this.... pity, misconception,tagged as a lonely freak who should be happy with whoever and whatever people can find to set you up with, since you obviously can't do it yourself. At family gatherings you get the "it's OK, it'll happen some day when it's right" as they proceed to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how you need to wear more lipstick, do your hair differently and change your energy in order to land a date. You are the lost puppy, the broken toy, the hopeless leper who is just begging for the all knowing advice of everyone who feels sorry for you and just wants to help while sticking their foot, -dirty socks and all- in their mouth.

Well if that has happened to you which if you are reading this and are now or have ever been single I'm sure it has, then you must have a story you are just dying to share. How you were barely 20 and people were already telling you it's OK cause you can always get married in the next life, or at the wedding of a younger sibling and your relatives (meaning well I'm sure) make you feel like a complete piece of poo and that you are now doomed for the rest of your life as the crazy single aunt (or uncle). I know there are stories out there and I want to hear them. I think it's about time there is a blog where people can get on and go off about the crazy things that people say to them when they are "just trying to help."

So please share your best stories and give us all something to laugh at and we can commiserate together, I mean hey we don't have a spouse or children to take it out on, why not on a happy little blog.

Oh and P.S. the changing my energy comment was just given to me tonight. I guess that's why I'm on a mission now to find other stories. I mean seriously how am I supossed to change my energy? What does that even mean?????